“Ricky’s dead…”

Fri, 31 Oct 2003 19:51:43 +0000

I was just dozing off when I heard her. She was screaming my name,
and beating on the front door and big window. I jumped out of bed
and ran down the hall, halfway across the living room, I slowed to a
walk. (don’t open the door). Her screams ricocheted off the walls
around me. I stared at the door… my eyes dropped down to the floor
and back to my hand frozen inches short of the door knob. (don’t open
the door). As long as I didn’t open the door she couldn’t tell me and it
wouldn’t be true, right? (…just don’t open the door, she’ll have to go
away).
She was hysterical and screaming so loud. (you’ve got to open the
door).
No, no, no, no. Oh God, please, you can’t do this. Don’t you dare do
this to me, do you fucking hear me?!
I don’t remember turning the knob or opening the door, but I
remember screaming, “Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!” I put my
hands over my ears and screamed so loud, trying to drown her
screams. But I didn’t need to hear her, I could see it on her face and in
her eyes.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I have to be the one to tell you this,” she’s
still yelling because I’m still screaming.
“NOOOOOOO!” I was backing away from her, hands covering my
ears.
“Oh God,” she said, ” I’m so sorry, Ricky’s dead!”
“NO! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO!” (if I scream so loud I can’t hear her, it
won’t be true).
I’ve been to the funeral home, and I went to the funeral yesterday. And
they said it was Rick in there. They keep telling me he’s not coming
home. But they don’t know …they don’t know I don’t know how to
breathe without him. I don’t know how to live without him in my life.
So I’m here, in our bedroom, and I’m waiting because he’ll be here.
Rick’s always running late, that’s why he’s not here. If I stay here in
our bedroom, he’ll show up… because he wouldn’t leave me here
alone. He loves me and he loves our little girl. And he wouldn’t miss
her first birthday. It’s just like Rick to disappear for a few days, right?
Maybe I’ll call his cell phone….no, don’t think I want to do that , not
yet…

2 With Spirit

“Ricky’s dead…”